Wash Away Your Sins
by Umi Mikazuki
Summary: Ed hears about a new miracle product and decides to use it...


Wash Away Your Sins…

By Umi Mikazuki

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or the stupid-yet-hilarious kit that gave me the inspiration for this one-shot.

You know those kits at Waldenbooks that are right next to the register? The bonsai kits and voodoo things? Yeah, those wastes of money. Well, I saw one that's called 'Wash Away Your Sins'. Next time you go, look for it. It's freakin' hilarious. Really.

V

Ed was pissed. Not only had Lust escaped, but she had also managed to make a crack about his height and disappear before he could react. No one dissed the Fullmetal Alchemist and got away without at least a headache! (From his yelling) Besides, he wasn't short…everyone else was just abnormally tall!

He stormed back to his apartment, glaring darkly at anyone that acknowledged him. Slamming the door, he headed straight for the bedroom, past Al, and began to choke his pillow.

Al poked his head in cautiously. Seeing what his brother was currently doing, he wisely went back to the living room and his book. It was suicide to even attempt to talk to Ed when he was like that. Best to let him vent.

The blonde came out after a few minutes with a scowl on his face. Tentatively, Al asked, "What happened?"

Ed took a deep breath, "That bitch Lust attacked me and got away! AND she said that 'a tiny little atom that's not even big enough to split' like me wasn't worth her time! Oh, she's gonna pay dearly for that…"

His face had taken on a maniacal look, with a wicked, sharp-toothed grin and glowing eyes. Al swore that he saw horns coming out of his brother's forehead.

"Brother, are you mad because she got away or because she said you were short?"

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON! EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST ABNORMALLY TALL!"

"…of course I'm on your side. You're my brother." Al put his hands up placatingly.

Sighing, Ed collapsed on the couch. Curious, he plucked Al's book out of the younger boy's hands, "'1001 Rules For Caring For A Cat'. Al, did you smuggle another cat in here?" He fixed his brother with level stare.

"N-no! It's just a bit of light reading! Really!" Al snatched the book back hastily. Surreptitiously, he checked to see if Ed was buying it.

Ed was not buying it. He removed Al's breastplate and peered inside. "Hey! Invasion of privacy!" Smiling, the blonde reached in and pulled out a little black kitten.

"Mew."

"Light reading, huh?"

"I'll put it outside…"

V

The next morning, Ed woke up at 10:00. Usually on an off day, he didn't wake up until around noon, but he was feeling restless. Putting on some casual clothes, he informed Al that he was going for a walk and would be back soon.

He wandered over to the market area, pausing every now and then to look more closely at something. Ed hadn't had breakfast yet, so he bought a donut and munched on it, thinking about random things.

"Psst. You." A low voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Glancing around, he saw a suspicious-looking man in a trench coat motioning him over. Warily, he came over, leaving five feet of space in between.

The man tugged his large hat lower over his face, "Are you wracked with guilt? Do the Seven Deadly Sins plague you?"

Ed raised an eyebrow, "How do you know about the Sins?" He didn't trust this guy one bit. He knew too much.

"I have my sources. Anyways, young man, I have in my possession an item that can rid you of your guilt and of these Sins." The man pulled a little box out of a hidden pocket, holding it out for the blonde to see.

Having serious doubts, Ed picked up the box and studied it. It said 'Wash Away Your Sins' in large letters and 'For all seven deadly sins' in the top right corner on the one side he could see. Turning it over, it said, 'Three antibacterial towelettes kill sins on contact.' And 'Wash Away Your Sins cleansing bar reduces guilt by 98.9 or more'.

Ed carelessly tossed the box over to the man, "What a joke. It's just soap."

"Oh, but it's much more than that, my friend. It will rid you of Gluttony, Envy, even Lust! Ah, yes, she's one of the more difficult ones to handle…" The man sighed theatrically.

It was sounding more and more like the guy knew about the homunculus. "Are you sure it will kill all seven sins?"

Trenchcoat guy nodded, "Yep. Tested and proven by the military."

'Military' was the clincher. Ed had a feeling he was going to regret this, "How much?"

V

Al looked dubiously at the box, "You really bought it? It's just soap!"

Ed grimaced, "Yeah, but the way Mr. Trenchcoat was talking, I think he knows about the homunculus. Besides, it was cheap." He stretched, "Don't worry, I won't fight one of them without an alternate plan."

V

The two decided to go out for dinner that night. Well, Ed decided, since Al couldn't really eat. ANYways…the brothers were sitting at a table waiting for Ed's food when a very familiar woman came over to them.

"The Elric brothers. Fancy meeting you here." Lust smiled seductively. All she received was a glare. She sighed, putting on a distressed look and speaking in a loud voice, "Oh dear! My companion has left, and I am oh so frightened of walking home by myself!" She gave Ed a meaningful look.

Several men volunteered to walk her home. She politely turned them down.

Catching the hint, Ed and Al stood up.

"Thank you so much for escorting me! These streets are so dangerous at night…" She led them to an empty alley a few blocks away. "We have a score to settle, Fullmetal boy."

Getting into a fighting stance, the blonde grinned, "That we do. Let's settle it now. Al, she's mine."

"Okay, but I will step in if you need it."

Lust ran at Ed, spears aimed for his heart. He dodged, brought his left foot up and kicked her square in the ribs. She hissed in pain, smirking and leaning against the wall.

"You've gotten better since the last time I fought you." The homunculus flipped her hair back, regarding the blonde with half-closed eyes.

'Now's as good a time as any, I guess…' Ed thought, pulling out one of the towelettes he'd bought from Mr. Trenchcoat. He threw the piece of cloth at her face and prayed to whatever god was listening that this would work.

The cloth landed on Lust's cheek and stuck there. With a confused look, she plucked it off and stared at it, "And what is this supposed to do?"

"That…lying…bastard!" Ed gritted his teeth. Al shook his head at his brother's stupidity.

Lust disdainfully tossed the towelette to the side and brought up her spears.

Sssssssssssssssssssssssss…

All three of them looked around in confusion, trying to find the source of the hissing noise. The homunculus hesitantly touched her cheek where the cloth had landed and was surprised to feel her flesh liquefying. "What?"

Al exclaimed in disbelief, "Those things actually work?"

Lust glared at them and jumped up before either of the brothers could react, "You WILL pay for this, FullMINI alchemist!" With that, she was gone.

Ed fumed, "Full…mini…how DARE she?" With a growl, Ed began to destroy everything in the alley, cursing and talking about the horrible tortures he was going to inflict on the evil bitch.

"Well, at least the soap worked…" Al remarked.

V

Mr. Trenchcoat downed his third beer for the night with a laugh, "The stupid idiot bought the soap!"

His drinking companion laughed, "You serious? He actually bought it?"

"Yep. He bought plain, everyday soap for twice as much as it was worth!"

V

I couldn't help it. It was too funny, thinking about Ed throwing one of those things at Lust.

This is my first oneshot. Review! Please!


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